Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Wade Linebaugh and I am launching a campaign to fight Ted Cruz.
This week began with Presidents’ Day, and in the spirit of our founding fathers I would like to share with you a clarion call. See, this nation was willed into existence by the actions of great leaders. Today, the same nation faces a crisis in leadership: who shall guide America in the dark days ahead? Well, I’ll tell you one thing: it ain’t gonna be Ted Cruz, because I will fight him.
Yes, today marks the beginning of my campaign to invite Ted Cruz, currently vying for the Republican nomination for the office of President, to single pugilistic combat. No weapons, of course, and we will not fight to any level of harm, but we also will not use boxing gloves, either. The arena/parking lot may be chosen by Mr. Cruz himself, though any stashing of chains or knives for use against my person in said spot will not be tolerated.
Why would I like to invite Ted Cruz to fight me? As an American I would like to ensure that he has the toughness to stand up to liberals. The Presidency is no easy lot: Mr. Cruz will need to fight off foes constantly, especially if he aims to stem the tide of abortions and gays sweeping across America spreading their non-reproductive sexuality and, I hear, immoral behavior.
Furthermore, this past Sunday saw Mr. Cruz offer up inflammatory comments about liberals. To wit:
“If liberals are so confident that the American people want unlimited abortion on demand, want religious liberty torn down, want the Second Amendment taken away, want veterans’ memorials torn down, want the crosses and Stars of David sandblasted off of the tombstones of our fallen veterans, then go and make the case to the people.”
As a liberal, I do not take kindly to having my viewpoints mischaracterized and my honor as an American besmirched. Also, Ted Cruz called Trump a liberal, which, come on…. That’s totally beyond the pale. The only avenue through which I am left to gain satisfaction is to use the Internet to publicize my campaign to sweatily grapple with this man for a period of maybe 3 to 5 minutes.
Ted Cruz may have some advantages here. I have heard he is a Princetonian, which is fancy, and a master debater, which is something best left to minimal comment, though news outlets frequently mention his prowess in this area. He may either be 5′ 8″ or 5′ 11″, depending on which search result you click after hastily googling his height, but I swear the TV makes him look kinda tall. Either way his stockiness looks like he’d be kinda hard to push over. I stand five foot ten when my mother reminds me to stand up straight and weigh a mere 170ish pounds, a weight that is almost zero per cent muscle, and otherwise entirely composed of beer leavings and pizza pouches. On my side, however, is Truth, Justice and the American Way (the actual one, the one not co-opted by a loudmouthed and cynical bloviator).
I am willing, incidentally, to have a doctor oversee the proceedings. I hear Dr. Ben Carson is an excellent neurosurgeon, so I imagine he can handle screening myself and Mr. Cruz for CTE or concussion symptoms should our dustup involve any blows to the cranium,
A final point of clarification: this is merely an invitation to Mr. Cruz and his campaign. I am not threatening violence against Ted Cruz, simply offering him an opportunity to stand up to liberalism and sock it in the face. It’s an opportunity he’d do well to consider – if he can’t or won’t fight just one little measly liberal, he may not have the mettle America needs. Let me be clear: I explicitly oppose anyone causing harm to Mr. Cruz. As a potential Presidential candidate, he is under secret service protection. Nobody should resort to violence over differing ideological viewpoints. My invitation only extends to a single, mutually-consenting, weapons-free instance of one-on-one fisticuffs.
Join me. Together, we can all fight Ted Cruz together. Except not literally, because it will just be me fighting him, one-on-one, because that is the fair thing to do and it will fix America.
Wade Linebaugh is the assistant editor of ‘Merica Magazine.